Gibran: On Children, Stead Bow, Smorgasbord

Gibran: On Children, steady Bow, Smorgasbord

“Your children are not your children.

You may give them your love, but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.”

  — Khalil Gibran, “On Children” in The Prophet (1923).

Gibran’s poem may offer some of the best advice on relating to our children. Parents are to be the steady or stable “bow.” Our children do not belong to us. They are the most treasured guests we will ever have in our home.

phyllis raney

Another piece of wisdom came from a counselor, Phyllis Raney, who led a parenting class at our church. She told us our job was to provide the best smorgasbord of experiences for our children to sample. What they choose, however, is up to them. We are to be the best possible providers of opportunities for them to experience, but we cannot control their decisions about what they choose.

promises to Peter

We have three children, and as parents, we led busy lives as physicians at a children’s hospital. We wondered how to give each of our children quality one-on-one time. At the birth of our second child, my mother-in-law, Elizabeth, gave me a book, Promises to Peter (Word Books, 1974), by Charlie Shedd. We read about taking each child out to dinner one night a week. We let the child choose the restaurant, within reason. So, one night a week, usually Monday, was “date night” with one of our children. It was a gift to focus on letting that child tell their story without distractions and to show how much we loved them. 

We also attended many medical meetings each year and tried to bring one child with us, hoping to spend quality one-on-one time. These trips were one more offering on the smorgasbord.

Our children are older now, with their own children. It is easier to be the steady bow.

The steady bow image has now also become a symbol of our relationship with God. First, we learned about it as we tried to raise our children. Now, it is teaching us more about how God cares for us. The smorgasbord has become a symbol of the innumerable ways God provides for us. We learn more about this One who loves both “the arrows and the stable bow.”

Joanna    https://www.joannaseibert.com/

Gerald May: Willingness and Surrender

Gerald May V: Willingness and Surrender

Return of the Prodigal Son, Bishop’s Garden National Cathedral. ‍ ‍

“The gentlest form of spiritual narcissism is the belief that one can achieve one’s own spiritual growth. ‘I can do it.’”—Gerald G. May, Will and Spirit (HarperOne, 1982), p. 115.

In Will and Spirit, Gerald May writes about the struggles in our world today and the many battles within ourselves. We will likely face issues with will, willingness, control, and surrender in our spiritual lives. As we begin our spiritual journey with willingness, the moment we notice spiritual growth, we become vulnerable to spiritual narcissism: the unconscious use of spiritual practices to inflate our self-importance. We try to become holy, assuming we can accomplish our own spiritual growth. This becomes willfulness masquerading as willingness.

When we recognize our self-interest in participating in charitable works, our actions and gifts will be given and received more effectively. But sin occurs when self-image and personal willfulness become so vital that one forgets, represses, or denies one’s absolute connectedness and grounding in the God within us, the power who creates and sustains the cosmos and who placed that yearning within us. 

May encourages us to let attachments come and go rather than constantly clinging to them. We must be aware of our need for self-importance; thus, he cautions us against immediately leaping to shore ourselves up. He places less emphasis on coping and mastery and more on waking up to whatever is happening in the present moment.

As we surrender some of our self-importance, we make friends with mystery. Even if we do not always find God when we sacrifice our self-importance, May believes that as we lose our need for self-importance, we realize that God has already found us. We will experience more spontaneity and awareness when we are not driven to perform, and when we can let things flow without needing to be defined by self-judgment or evaluation of our own actions.  

May reminds us that spirituality cannot be a means to an end for our discomfort.

Spiritual growth must be a way into life, not an escape from it. God calls us to be in the world, not of it. Unfortunately, this side of the world may be uncomfortable.

I share this familiar statue of the Return of the Prodigal Son in the Bishop’s Garden at the National Cathedral. It is an icon of surrender and willingness for both the son and the father. They serve as our role models.

Joanna. https://www.joannaseibert.com/

Gerald May: How We Love

Gerald May IV: How We Love

“In speaking of love, narcissism says, ‘I need you to love me.’ Erotic love says, ‘I need you.’ Filial love says, ‘I love you because I understand you.’ Agape—if it could speak—might say, ‘I am you in Love.’” —Gerald G. May, Will and Spirit (HarperOne, 1982), p. 167.

In Will and Spirit, Gerald May discusses types of love: narcissistic (self-love), Me-Me; erotic (romantic) love, Me-You; filial (compassionate) love, I-Thou; and agape (divine, unconditional) love. May believes that erotic and filial love can serve as “primary education leading to agape love.” Our confusion arises when we expect unconditional love from human beings and conditional love from God—and when we look for unconditional love in the image of God. 

may

May points out that those who believe they are as holy as God commit perhaps the greatest sin. Willful self-determination is a template for human evil, just as willful vengeance is. Willfulness always leads to separateness. 

If we can move toward forgiveness for past wrongs, our fundamental capacity for love will not be harmed. But if we hold on to resentment, it will become increasingly difficult to love or feel lovable. Our sense of separateness grows, and we become more afraid of anything resembling belonging, surrender, or union. 

It is not so much the nature of the evil forces we encounter, but our response to them, that can make a difference in our lives. When faced with a difficult situation, we must not deaden ourselves to reality, cop out, or rush into our own plan, while forgetting to call on the active power of God. We are called to remember the importance of the situation and the need for action, while recognizing our total dependence on the unconditional love of God. Then our hearts can be open to God working in us—and at some deep level of our awareness, we can relax and be at peace. 

Joanna. https://www.joannaseibert.com/