“Part of waking up is that you live your life as you see fit. And understand: That is not selfish. The selfish thing is to demand that someone else live their life as YOU see fit.”
—Anthony de Mello.
Anthony de Mello was an Indian Jesuit priest and psychotherapist who died too young in 1987, but whose spiritual writings still speak clearly to us today. I think de Mello is trying to tell us that loving others means supporting them and allowing them to be the person God created them to be. Self-love or selfishness consists in wanting others to be the person we want them to be. This is a constant struggle because “we are so wise and have such good ideas!” Sometimes we want others to live a certain way, to live out a life along a path that we ourselves were not able to live. Other times it is a control issue, assuming we know what is best for someone else.
We struggle with this form of selfishness with our children, our grandchildren, our students, our partners, our friends—in almost any relationship. Of course, this also can be a hurdle to overcome in spiritual direction: wanting our spiritual friends to live out a certain form of spirituality, especially a pattern of spiritual living that has worked for us.
Spiritual direction is a two-way street. It is like teaching or any form of mentoring. If we are not learning from our spiritual friends as well as sharing with them, we become even more self-absorbed in our own knowledge and experience. We must constantly remember that we look to the Holy Spirit to be present with us in spiritual direction, guiding and teaching us and our spiritual friends.
My experience is that two things are helpful. First, trying to live the Serenity Prayer, knowing we can change only ourselves and not others. God is the one who effects change. We are to sit back and wait for the Holy Spirit to bring about transformation.
The second is awareness: awareness of at what point we think we know what is best for others and start planning their agenda—not allowing them to become the person the Christ, the Spirit within, is leading them to be. I am counting on the Holy Spirit to bring in de Mello holding up a big stop sign with SELFISH written all over it whenever I become aware that I am doing this!
Next, we are to turn around and prayerfully and humbly ask God to transform that selfish energy directed at others into energy for the Christ within us to continue creating us as the person God birthed us to be.
Joanna . joannaseibert.com