Being with the Dying
“When you have sat vigil with a dying soul, you are forever changed. You have experienced a great mystery.”
—Megory Anderson in Attending the Dying: A Handbook of Practical Guidelines (Morehouse Publishing, 2005).
Megory Anderson has written a large volume on being with the dying, as well as a short pocket-sized handbook on the subject. Many people come for spiritual direction due to to the death of a loved one. Someone significant has died or is about to die. Often the death is very imminent. If there is time, a spiritual director can go over some of the very concrete directions Megory Anderson provides and then gift the person with the small handbook.
My experience is that often there is not enough time for friends even to digest the handbook. Frequently the relative or caregiver is so overwhelmed that even the task of reading is difficult. I had a similar experience with hospice. My father-in-law was put on hospice care the day before he died, and there was so little time for arrangements. We often wait too long before asking for help or accepting the reality of an end-of-life situation.
Anderson teaches us so much. Attending the dying is like the privilege of being at a birthing. It is a sometimes painful celebration of a new life. I especially try to reread Anderson’s section about creating a sacred space. It can be helpful to talk to the family about clearing clutter from the room and bringing in sacred objects such as devotional icons, prayer beads, photographs, maybe even childhood books. Helpful activities might include reading beloved stories, even childhood poems; playing favorite music; or lighting a candle. Bringing the person a favorite quilt or fresh flowers from someone’s garden could remind everyone that something special is happening here. We come to be with the person who is dying and listen to the person’s story. Conversations should be directed to him or her. My experience is always to speak to the dying as if they can hear what we say.
I know of many who, as death approaches, midwife their loved one into a new life by singing favorite hymns, reading the Psalms, taking turns saying prayers, and performing rituals for the dying drawn from their traditions. After the death, saying prayers and preparing the body can be one last loving offering from family and special friends. My father-in-law grew magnificent roses. The night he died, our family took rose petals from the flowers in his room and scattered them over his body before walking his body out to the funeral hearse.
Anderson’s book is invaluable to anyone who is attending the dying. The author describes preparation for death, the death process, and what to do afterwards, as well as how to react to unusual behavior from well-meaning family and friends. We so rarely have a guidebook to ease life’s more difficult journeys. This is one.
Rebecca Spooner is leading a morning retreat about the Enneagram at St. Mark’s Episcopal Church on Saturday February 29th from 9 to 1. The Cost is $15. Sign up on St. Mark’s website lovesaintmarks.org. Go to What’s on, then Events.
Joanna . joannaseibert.com