Being Spiritual Friends

Guest Writer: Larry Burton

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and will sing it to you when you have forgotten the words."—Camus.

A friend recently declared that his life had been “utterly transformed” by a recently published self-help book. “I am literally not the same person,” he told me. I wish I could have given him a big hug and said, “I liked you just the way you were.” I didn’t, but I wish I had.

There is something about the American character that seems always to be pushing to improve, or at least give the impression (especially to oneself) that one is improving. Resolve to exercise, be kinder, lose weight, put on, finish a project, take cooking lessons, or whatever else is popular at the time, seems to fade as the days of January slide into February and by March…well most of us have experienced March.

So should we try harder? Brene Brown, a university researcher, has some thoughts about that. She writes about the fear of vulnerability and the shame that so many of us carry. Shame is more ancient in human development than guilt, and is the experience of being stained and deficient and powerless to do anything about it, whereas guilt has to do with human volition and allows for human repair. Brown’s response to shame is grounded in her spirituality and her understanding of the redemptive power of human community, a community in which we can be vulnerable, to our truth and to being accepted as we are.

That is what we strive for in spiritual direction, and what we hope for in the Church. It is the kind of community that we find in recovery groups. It is the kind of community that heals us and transforms us.

I still wish I had hugged my friend and told him I loved him just as he is. Maybe my friendship with him carried some of that message. And maybe some of those I call spiritual friends have discovered that they are enough in the eyes of God.

Larry Burton

Madison, WI