Being with the Dying
“Being witness to a death is a profound experience for everyone-for family members and loved ones and for health care professionals who have cared for the patient-and certainly for the person who ministers spiritually. When you have sat vigil with a dying soul, you are forever changed. You have experienced a great mystery.”
—Megory Anderson, Attending the Dying: A Handbook of Practical Guidelines (Morehouse Publishing 2005).
Megory Anderson has written a large volume on being with the dying and a short pocket-sized handbook. So many people come for spiritual direction related to a death. Someone significant has died or is about to die. Often the death is imminent. If there is time, I go over the concrete directions Megory Anderson gives, and then gift them the small handbook. My experience is that they often have not even time to digest the handbook, which can be helpful. Frequently, the person or caregiver is so overwhelmed that even reading is challenging.
It is similar to my experience with hospice. My father-in-law was put on hospice care the day before he died. Unfortunately, we so often wait too long before asking for help or accepting the reality of the situation.
Anderson teaches us so much. Being with someone who is dying is a sacred ministry. It can be one of the greatest gifts given to someone. Attending the dying is like the privilege of being at a birthing. It is a sometimes-painful celebration of a new life.
I especially try to reread her section about creating a sacred space. We talk to the family about clearing clutter from the room, bringing in sacred objects such as devotional icons, prayer beads, photographs, maybe even childhood books, reading favorite stories, even childhood poems. Favorite music, a lighted candle, a favorite quilt, fresh flowers from someone’s garden remind us that something special is happening here.
We come to be with the person dying, listen to them, and hear their story. Conversations should be directed to them. My experience is always to speak to the dying as if they could hear what we say.
As death approaches, I know of many who midwife their loved ones into a new life by singing favorite hymns, reading the psalms, taking turns saying prayers, and performing rituals for the dying from their traditions.
After the death, saying prayers and preparing the body can be one last loving ritual for family and special friends. For example, my father-in-law grew magnificent roses. The night he died, our family took rose petals from the flowers in his room and scattered them over his body, before walking his body out to the funeral hearse.
This book is invaluable to anyone attending the dying. The author describes the preparation for death, the death process, what to do afterward, and how to react to the unusual behavior of well-meaning family and friends. We so rarely have a guidebook for life’s more difficult journeys. This book is one.
Joanna joannaseibert.com